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LAWLER: You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.
LAWLER: Sunny, she wants me. I can read her like a book, but I prefer the Braille edition.
(Owen Hart running away from Stone Cold Steve Austin)
LAWLER: Looks like Owen has opened up a can of haul-ass!
LAWLER: Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!
(Stone Cold Steve Austins says he'll knock Vince's teeth out)
LAWLER: I don't think they are real anyway, but I don't think McMahon want's to lose them.
(About Road Dog Jessie James)
LAWLER: When he was in Desert Storm, he was getting shot at by both sides.
LAWLER: If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?
LAWLER: When Sunny was in school she wasn't very good in history, but she was great on dates!
(Jim Ross implies that Sunny is too young for Lawler)
LAWLER: I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.
LAWLER: Mark Henry just walked in front of me, I thought it was an eclipse.
LAWLER: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, be got baptized at Sea World.
(A five year old girl cheering Shawn Michaels)
LAWLER: Look at her, now I know why animals eat their young.
LAWLER: Helen Hart is so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was sick.
LAWLER: I'm not a racist like Brett Hart, I hate everyone equally!
LAWLER: Cheating is only cheating when you get caught.
LAWLER: Diesel is so stupid, he thought Hamburger Helper came with a person.
(Sunny come to the ring with her chest showing)
LAWLER: I don't know what the 7 wonders of the world are, but I do know that Sunny has 2 of them!
(Taz tells Lawler to say his wise cracks to his face)
LAWLER: Tell him to come down and I will tell him how short his is to his face. If I can bend down that far.
LAWLER: Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose?
LAWLER: Paul bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book
LAWLER: He (Ahmed Johnson) has the IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt.
LAWLER: That guy (Mankind) is two fries short of a Happy Meal
LAWLER: Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!
LAWLER: This Bingo Hall (ECW Arena) should be built out of toilet paper because there's nothing in it but shit!
(Lawler talking about a ringside fan on camera)
LAWLER: He can pick up cable with those ears!
(Sable wearing an extremely revealing outfit)
LAWLER: I've seen more cotton on the top of an asprin bottle!
LAWLER: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it was not for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade.
LAWLER: She (Alundrea Blaze) has a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!
LALWER: McMahon thinks Snoop Doggy Dog belongs to Charlie Brown.
McMahon: Jesse James can sing as good as he can wrestle.
LAWLER: Then he won't win many matches!
LAWLER: Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!
LAWLER: I'm not saying that Stu Hart is old, but I hear that Anna Nicole Smith is asking him out on a date.
LAWLER: I've heard of faces that could stop clocks, hers could stop all of Switzerland's.
LAWLER: I saw this guy having a drink in the bathroom before. Then the seat fell down and hit him on the head.
McMAHON: Joining us right now as the Sultan fears into this capacity crowd, I believe we have Jerry "The King" Lawler on the line. Mr. Lawler, are you there?
LAWLER: Ya I'm here McMahon and I can't believe you accepted this collect call. You're so cheap, you would not even tip a canoe.
(Lawler hit Tommy Dreamer in between the legs with Sandman's Cane and Dreamer went to the hospital)
LAWLER: And now I understand that he had to go to the hospital. That's what they're calling me and telling me, "Do you realize that you sent Tommy Dreamer to the hospital and he has to have his testicles worked on?" Ha! Well do you know how I know that is a lie? Because Tommy Dreamer you don't have any balls! You know that! If you would have gone to the hospital, you would have to go see a gynecologist. And Sandman, the next time you see me, you better drink a case of that liquid courage (beer) because you're going to need to be real drunk so that you don't feel what I'm going to do to you. ECW, You Suck!
(Jim Ross asked Lawler if Brian Christopher is his son and then Lawler ask Ross if he had a son. Ross says he has two daughters)
LAWLER: Not packing enough chromosomes, huh? I'm sorry Ross!
You look into Sable's eyes and you see the back of her head. A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off!
JR: Why do you keep referring to these fans as "idiots" and "morons"?
Lawler: We gave them an IQ test and the results came back negative.
JR: Well that's my view of the situation [ McMahon firing Stone Cold]
Lawler: Well, get your head out of your butt and you'd have a different view!
Lawler: Pat Patterson is so old, he still has a ticket stub from the original David and Goliath match.
If her [Debra McMichael] skirt were any shorter, it'd be a collar.
LJerry: What do Jake "The Snake" Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!
Jerry: The only reason
why Jake wants to come here is because he probably saw the bottle.
Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her.
Jerry: You don't want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend, she's been around more times than a carousel.
Vince McMahon: What
are you doing?
Jerry: Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade? Is that true?
Lawler: If Mae Young is going to breast feed, all that baby's going to get is evaporated milk.
Lawler: Prince Albert respects the Big Boss Man so much he'd give him the hair off his back.
Lawler: When God said "Let there be light, Mae Young threw the switch."
Lawler: [Mae Young's] wrinkles have wrinkles.
Lawler: [The Fabulous Moolah] was a waitress at the last supper.
Lawler: Pat Patterson is so old, he still has a ticket stub from the original David and Goliath match.
Lawler: He's [The Blue Meanie] is the reason for separate beds.
Lawler: Women should be ob-scene and not heard.
Lawler: She's had more hands on her than a doorknob.
Lawler: She's not your type. She's not inflatable.
Lawler: He's twisted, perverted... he's sick. Normally, I like that in a person (of Golddust).
Look at the lips on that guy [Mark Henry], he could french kiss a moose
LAWLER: The only reason I lost to Aldo Montoya was the intoxicating fumes there were coming off his body from being around Jake Roberts.
LAWLER: I couldn't warm up to Andy Kaufman if we were cremated together.
LAWLER: You know J.R., obvisiously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth.
Lawler took on Tito Santana in the semi-finals of the Karate Fighters Holiday Tournament '97)
LAWLER: Santana, what a funny looking outfit! Ha! Ha!
SANTANA: What about yours, Burger King?
LAWLER: Taco Bell!
LAWLER: (Lawler won) Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Have another burrito pal! Ha! Ha! Ha!
LAWLER: The older they (Legion of Doom) get, the better they were.
(Jim Ross kept calling Brian Christopher "The Prince")
ROSS: Well, how come he looks so much like you?
LAWLER: OK, A long time ago, I got a vasectomy and I paid for it with my MasterCard. Well, I forgot to pay the bill that month, so they sent someone over and got my wife pregnant.
LAWLER: I'd like to see things from your point of view JR, but I'd have to get my head out of my rear end.
LAWLER: The only reason why Taka Michinoku is here in this country is because there are too many people in Japan.
LAWLER: Statistics prooves that some where in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby ever four seconds. Now I'm going to over there and find that woman and put a stop to it and we wouldn't have people like this (foreigners, talking to Taka Michinoku) coming into out country.
Sable had on a very extremely revealing outfit on)
LAWLER: I've seen more cotton on the top of an Asprin bottle!
(Ross said that Lawler would be wrestling at a local event)
LAWLER: That's right, I'll be there. You know my only regret is that I can't sit out in the audience and watch me.
LAWLER: Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but their next to them.
LAWLER: You (Ross) have diarea in the mouth and constapation in the brain.
(Terry Funk did a moonsault and his leg hit the security railng)
LAWLER: The only thing harder than Terry Funk's legs are his arteries.
(commenting on the movie Congo)
LAWLER: I've seen better film on teeth.
(Owen Hart hit Ken Shammrock with a dumbbell to win the match)
LAWLER: He hit a dumbbell with a dumbbell, Ha! Ha! This is great!
LAWLER: Women! Can't live with'em, no resale value.
(Lawler getting ready for the bikini contest)
LAWLER: Should Viagra be taken now or, it takes a little while to kick in you know?
ROSS: Well, if you think you need it.
LAWLER: No, I'm talking about you J.R.
LAWLER: Also never underestimate the power of stupid people in large troops, they're all behind The Rock!
LAWLER: Everytime I look at Luna's face, I think she should put the bag back on.
LAWLER: If brains were chocolate, he (X-Pac) still wouldn't fill an M&M.
(Lawler asked Ross where Stu Hart was been and Ross wondered if Stu Hart is betting that Owen Hart would win his match)
LAWLER: He gave up bettting after The Civil War.
(Mr. Ass showed a fat person's ass on the Titantron and said it was The Rock's ass)
LAWLER: Oh! Look at the cellulite, it looks like cottage cheese!
(Reffering to Blackman hitting Shammrock with a car)
LAWLER: You got then Blackman, he's a dangerous, dangerous man. Used to be Ken Shammrock was the world's most dangerous man, but now Shammrock is the world's most dangerous speed bump.
LAWLER: What do you think has got to be going through the mind of X-Pac right now, he's more nervous than a pizza on the plate of Paul Bearer.
(The Rock vs. Mr. Ass in a "Kiss My Ass" match, and Mr. Ass brought a fat woman to ringside for The Rock to kiss her ass, not his)
LAWLER: That 'ought to say "Wide Load" on the back of it.
LAWLER: And The Rock said "King, what is twelve inches long and hangs in front of an ass?" My eyes got all big and he said, "Mankind's tie."
LAWLER: Moolah knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpiller.
LAWLER: Mae Young is so old that when David killed Goliath, she was the one that called the cops!!
LAWLER: Do you know why puppies have wet noses?
ROSS: No King, why?
LAWLER: 'Cause I lick 'em, Ha! Ha! Ha!
LAWLER: When it comes to sex, all women want it, just not with you (Ross).
(Ross said that The Blue Meanie should go to the beach with him and Lawler because he'll make them look slim)
LAWLER: He could sell shade!
Jerry Lawler: Mankind is two fries short of a happy meal.
Jerry questionioning people from Alabama. Jerry Lawler: I got a tough one for you. If your mom and dad got a divorce, would they still be brother and sister? Ha, Ha! That's a tough one, isn't it?
Jerry Lawler: Just because Hunter Hearst Helmsley makes Pinnocio look like a cat, don't make fun of him.
Jerry Lawler: Paul Bearer's face is so big, he needs a bookmark to find his chin.
Sunny with the Tag Team Belts. Jerry Lawler: Hey McMahon, look at those belts. Vince McMahon: Yeah King, they look nice. Now can you please pay attention to the match. Jerry Lawler: Come on McMahon. Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
The Mexican Wrestlers are in the ring. Jerry Lawler: Look at Paul E. He needs to wear a mask. He looks like a bloated-up toe frog.
LAWLER:You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.